"I know I should review now, but I just don't want to start, what should I do?" Luo Lei was sitting on the sofa in the consultation room with his legs crossed. He looked at me with sincerity in his eyes—sincere too relaxed: "I am a man. Too lazy." I nodded: "You said it calmly."
"Lazy? Hey, I've always been this virtuous!" Luo Lei took out a tissue and blew his nose, "Do you think Listen to me, when did I start? College? High school? No, it started in elementary school."
I looked at this 20-year-old graduate student, who faced an exam but didn't revise for a long time. But I couldn't see how he was anxious about this exam. It stands to reason that he asked me for psychological counseling, indicating that the pressure is very urgent. But he was sitting in the visitor's seat, not nervous at all, even a little in high spirits, as if he was describing the misfortune of another man, a hopeless slacker named "Rory". That person can't review, that person may fail, and these misfortunes have nothing to do with the person who is speaking. This person is not in a hurry to take any action, he just has to make observations and comments, his comments seem to say: what about this guy, Rowley? He's too lazy, and I can't help it.
He turned himself into a bystander, a critic.
I remember a joke. When someone cuts in line, the person next to him stops him: "Why don't you stand in line?" The person who cuts the line looks innocent: "Of course it's because I don't have the quality." He is clearly talking about his own business, but from a third-party perspective . If you don't line up, you can obviously choose, but it's like commenting on other people's affairs. In real life there is a similar absurdity: why don't you study? Because I am lazy. But when you plan to study and how much you study, it is obviously your choice. How did you become a bystander?
I fed this feeling back to Rory. His response was, "You're right! I'm just like that, and I like to label myself endlessly. What should I do in this situation?" Well, he said, while still working as a critic.
I know it can't go on like this anymore. The more discussions, the more topics worth discussing. And these discussions themselves cater to his "self-review" habit, escaping the immediate problems. Self-analysis using psychological theories has become popular in recent years. But don't forget that all analysis remains in lip service, it's all on paper.
There are more things to be concerned about than these games of words and logic.
I asked Luo Lei, "Will you fail the class?" His Erlang's legs swayed and suddenly stopped: "What do you mean?"
"You will fail the exam next month, if you continue to study at the current pace? "
If you start reviewing now, it shouldn't be." He said, "The problem is..." I interrupted him: "So I won't fail."
What else did he want to say, I didn't give him a chance. I guess what he wanted to say was: "The problem is that I'm still lazy, I can't get started..." Then he asked me to reason with him and find a way. But no matter how thorough the reasoning is, the responsibility for action can only fall on him. And we are likely to lose the urgency of action by indulging in the progress of the analysis.
"Anyway, if you can handle the exam, you might as well talk about something else," I said. Rowley was a little shocked. He probably didn't expect that I would put all the responsibility for the exam on him. He immediately changed his words: "But what if I don't start reviewing all the time? I might still fail the course." Again
. I didn't get into his trap this time. Even if he fails, that is his own business. I said: "Then we can talk about what to do after failing the course: Will it affect your future graduation? Is there any chance to make up the exam?"
Luo Lei's face flushed: "I can ask the academic affairs about this, I will do psychological counseling, Mainly I want to…”
I know that he mainly wants to comment, to judge his own personality flaws, and then to find a way to change. He decided that these reflections were important. Thinking to a conclusion, he will become a better person. But this is a misuse of counseling. Just "talking" won't change anything. A psychologist of any genre can only bring about meaningful results through action. Actions always come from reality: realistic dilemmas, realistic goals, realistic plans, what have been done, what difficulties have encountered, what experiences have been obtained, and the results achieved or not achieved...
Many people are reluctant to touch these figurative topic. Maybe it's because I think it's not as advanced as self-thinking. But it may also be the other way around, the real topic is too heavy, and the thinking is easier. The critics just thought: Reality doesn't matter, it's because "I" have a problem. The only thing that seems to be important is to find someone to talk to about these "me" problems.
Don't talk to them about "me". Why don't you ask them to go back to the present.
Back to reality, friend. The reality is that you sit still in the consulting room while you talk. You think you are solving a problem by working your mind. But sitting here itself is maintaining the problem.
Later, Luo Lei successfully passed the exam. When he consulted me again, it was already the eve of graduation, and he said that his graduation thesis was poorly written. I asked him, is he writing now? He just sighed and said it was bad. I asked whether I wrote it or not, and he said, very bad, what difference does it make if I write it or not. I said you kept saying it was bad, I just wanted to know, you just imagined it was bad? Or do you have a first draft that you look at in your hand and do see it sucks?
Luo Lei twisted for a long time and said, only wrote the beginning. He laughed himself, because he knew what I would do with him. I said, "Well, show me the first draft and let me see how bad it is. When it's done, we'll comment on it."
Bad or bad is the second, writing or not writing is the first. It determines whether the problem is a real problem. Problems in reality have touch, detail, temperature, and must have action. There will also be chances and coincidences. And the imaginary problem is nothing. You stay still, and you talk freely, the more you talk, the more you get lost in the sea of abstraction: What if it really sucks? No way? But how do I know it won't? After all, I am such a bad person, please help me think about it, how can I not be so bad? ...
Stop! Start writing!
Rory didn't come to see me until before graduation. He said he managed to scrape together a paper later, which was really bad. He wanted me to see how bad it was, but he didn't have time because he had to prepare a defense. He also has no time to be a critic: "Hey, there are too many things to do after graduation!"
