I belonged to the type who looked good when I was young, and started wearing braces, glasses, and mushroom heads in junior high school. It stands to reason that this is a very sad thing, and I did cry under the covers: I vaguely felt that some preference was far away from me, replaced by the unconscious malice of children and the occasional impatience of adults.
In that dark bed, I suddenly couldn't turn a blind eye to my sadness. While crying, I recalled the little things that made me feel wronged. I break through every detail, hoping to find out where I am not doing it well.
Finally, I cried and fell asleep. When I got up the next day, the sky was clear and high, and I went to school with my schoolbag on my back as usual. I can still get compliments from the teacher easily. Funny things still happen in school every day. My friends from childhood are still laughing and playing next to me. My parents at the table are still discussing whether the fish is cooked. Before I could think about it, I was once again wrapped up in the noisy life and ran forward, and before I ran into the distance, those tears were so hopeless. Until recently I remembered that I would face up to the fact that I had been prejudiced.
When I was in junior high school, my friends and I went outside to learn English. When I took a shower, they watched me take a selfie with my glasses off. Maybe they thought I could not hear, they started to discuss: "Her eyes are not so big, right?" "She should have retouched the picture, and then sent it to the netizen." When I heard this, I hurried to boil the shower water to the maximum, and then Look up and sing loudly. But even if the water is so big, I can still hear the laughter outside.
When I was in the third year of junior high school, I became the cover character of the school magazine because I published some articles. When get out of class was over, a school magazine was thrown at me, and when I saw it, I was drawn as a big monster on the cover. In the chaos, some people wanted to show it to me, and some people rushed to grab the magazine, and the classroom suddenly became a mess, mixed with the sounds of scramble and laughter. I remember what I did at the time, I also robbed it recklessly, so everyone laughed together. At that time, there were boys who liked me and protected me. When I knew it, my eyes were red.
If I'm so heartless, why would I cry when I touch a little tenderness or feel seen through or protected? Now that I think about it, I found out, maybe I've discovered this thing a long time ago-I'm ugly. But I just avoid it. I laughed at me with malicious laughter, blurring the boundary between self-deprecating and self-deprecating.
Days are like an old train, heading for an immutable tomorrow every day. In this way, spring has passed and autumn has come for several times, but I don’t know when I have become ugly, and whether other people’s malice is related to my ugliness; I don’t know when it started, my personality A bit more stubborn and silent, but I have to admit that under the forbearance and firm appearance, a deep lack of self-confidence has been planted.
It's ridiculous. In the third year of the junior high, I developed eye floaters and a short-term visual field defect, which was then misdiagnosed by the local doctor as "the retina will fall off at any time". In fact, there was no major problem, but at the time, I chose to bury my fear in my heart, not daring to talk to adults and classmates. Soon, I suffered from severe insomnia again. Of course, I also find it difficult to remind the lively and beautiful roommates to be quiet. Those years became the darkest time of my adolescence.
On the gloomy background, I have also become a person who is afraid of others being hurt. Looking back now, even though those days were totally unclear, I was also singing and walking in the long tunnel, gradually approaching the light at the entrance of the tunnel.
It’s just that sometimes I wonder, if it weren’t for those gloomy years, would I have a completely different youth.
I started wearing my glasses when I first entered junior high school and took off my glasses half a year ago. The ten years in between have happened to be the ten years when I became ugly. Without glasses, I have no excuses to hide my eyes, and I have to start looking directly at others' eyes again. At the beginning, I was not used to looking at other people's eyes continuously, so that I always took a slow breath before speaking, then sat upright and raised my head solemnly. What surprised me was that when I raised my head, I just raised my head, and people would appreciate me without even being beautiful.
I was in a trance for a while. When I was not good-looking, I was easily despised, but this does not mean that people will always be swayed by such a single and crude appearance judgment standard. After all, what attracts people is a confident soul. Beautiful people are naturally treated kindly, so they are easy to be confident; unbeautiful people are easy to be despised in the first place.
But what life has to teach you in the end is: people who are not beautiful can also be polished to be independent and strong in thousands of lonely days, learn empathy in a sensitive matter, and observe others with ulterior motives. Have their own views on human nature, and thus have a unique aura. If you can't learn this lesson, you won't be able to win the first battle in this real world.
This is the most important battle of my adolescence, my coming-of-age ceremony.
Today, I have been like a stone that has been polished by running water for many years, unknowingly it has its own luster.
I finally woke up from the long nightmare.
